#063 - It is Not Over Yet

 Hello everybody.

On Friday, a fourth person I know attempted to end their life. Doing what I had done twice before, I sent the same message. I never got a direct response back. However, I know they are still with us today because they have continued sending messages on the Discord server and I think also have been in group calls since. For that, I give thanks.

But I do not give thanks that over the span of exactly two weeks, four different people I know attempted to end their life. I know there was a reason though. It took me a couple of days afterward, but in my regular nighttime conversation with God, it was revealed to me the reason. I might have said here before, but I am a very, very stubborn person. In order for Him to get my attention, then something big would need to occur. This past week in particular was such an occasion. So what was He trying to get my attention with? I'll have to go back some so that it makes sense.

For a while before last week, I was honestly on the lower end of my depression. In general, it goes up and down slowly over the span of weeks. During the time, I was having big internal struggles with my own value to other people. I never got over the fact that for all of September, 35% of my direct message conversation starters never received a response. My conclusion was that people don't want to talk to me which led me to questioning if people actually valued having me around. In relation to that, I also was feeling down because I felt like some unimportant background character in the lives of everyone I know.

Then I was shown folks who were going to end their lives. I directly conversed with two of them and now we know each other better (a little more on that later, based on today's events). I was also able to get the opinion of a close acquaintance of mine, who I shoot a devotion to most Mon-Sat mornings. It was Sunday night before bed that everything came together for me and I understood my purpose for being exactly where I am.

Through inderect (and potentially even direct) means, I am saving lives. Maybe not entirely their physical life, but in a more symbolic sense. My role is very important and irreplaceable for the people I know, even if we don't converse that often. I'm probably not explaining it well, but at last, I understand and now I am at peace because I have been made aware of my true value.

The last main series topic I wanted to discuss was that person #3 (I still do not wish to name them) from Tuesday morning sent a message today on the Discord server. The important part of what they said publicly included that they needed help and were desperate for anyone/anything that could give them peace. After seeing the message, I reached out directly and tried to offer whatever encouragement I could. In our talk, they called me a good friend trying to help. However, they were going to spend time off of Discord and all other social media to focus on figuring things out. The last thing I have said included wishing them the best of luck in getting their life sorted.

I am now seeing it: the order of events because of my actions. First, there is familiarity within the group environment. At a time later than that, I shoot one or more messages (for one reason or another) directly to gain a personal familiarity. Then "calamity strikes" and during one of their darkest hours, I am present to share hope. After recovering from the lowest of the low, I am able to see that they go forward in life with the hope I have shared. What comes afterward, only time will tell...

And so, I hope to have more lighthearted posts in the future. Starting now, here are what my activities were per-day.

Friday included watching Pie Master J's stream where he played When Bad Things Arrive 2.0.2, then I did my own stream, worked on game development, played on my modded b1.3_01 world and watched Shin Ultraman. Honestly, it is a great movie. It's like Shin Godzilla but the next level up. I'm looking forward to watching Shin Kamen Rider, whenever I'll be able to do so.

Saturday included more game development, being in call with person #2 for a few hours (they showed off a book about how to draw all sorts of different dragons and it was really cool to see), I had another email conversation with Lura, who I'm also happy to hear from, I played a fair amount of #Me on my phone (which has become the only mobile game I play now that Kirara Fantasia shut down and the Just Cause Mobile early access has also stopped), and I played another episode of Alan Wake.

On Sunday I went to church, shared more emails with Lura, finished Alan Wake, watched some train videos, and played more Bonelab. Sunday is meant to be a day of rest, so I try to keep it relaxing. I'm a casual game player so most stuff I play is relaxing.

Yesterday I worked more on game development to get the next update of When Bad Things Arrive ready tomorrow or Thursday, I did my usual Modded Superflat Survival stream and watched Kiniro Mosaic Thank You! I had been looking forward to watching it for a couple of years. I think the announcement was March 2020, unless I'm misremembering. The theatrical release was 2021 in Japan and the western Blu-ray release was this past October or November. Honestly, I enjoyed it but being only about 80 minutes of actual screentime, I feel like more could've been included as this movie marks the finale to the series as a whole.

Today included more game development, more power going out (potentially due to all the rain), playing Doom II on my Switch because the power went out, and making a new music track to be used in WBTA. I am really happy how it is turning out, but the runtime currently is only two minutes. I want to get it to four and a half because that's how long a regular night lasts in WBTA. In Long Nights mode, each night lasts nine minutes which is how long the original FNaF nights were. Good thing Scott bumped it down closer to 6-7 minutes most of the time afterward.

Tomorrow is likely another day of working on Quickwrites. I also want to get more done on the music track I'm putting together. It's the last thing I need to do for the upcoming update. I also will need to do two streams one of the days this week to make up for not streaming today due to power outage.

And with that, after nearly an hour of writing this post, I shall now catch my ZZZs. Thank you all for reading. Bye!